Taming The Inner Bully

Here is a snippet taken from the Podcast with Louise Pamment.

My name's Louise and I would describe myself as a creative, a lover of mother nature, someone that feels deeply connected to being out in the wild and connecting with that good old fashioned mother nature. I love helping people grow, helping people develop, step outside their comfort zones and just become happier with themselves and therefore more connected to the people around them and the people they love most.

Q - You mentioned stepping out of your comfort zone. Is this something you've done in the past at all?

A - I've done a fair bit of stepping outside of my comfort zone. And I think, every part of yourself that you're ultimately looking to step into, that's where it's found. It's not found in your comfort zone; it's found outside of it. So certainly, whenever I've had big breakthroughs in my life, whether that be in self-development, relationships with the people around me, work or creative skills. It's always been found somewhere that I've not looked yet. So yeah, I'm a, I'm a big fan of stepping outside of the comfort zone.

Q - Okay, and what sort of things have you done? Give us the nitty gritty. What sort things have you done when you say stepping outside the comfort zone?

A- Well, probably the first one that springs to mind, which is a bit wild. When I was just turned 18, I decided to get a one-way flight to the Balearic Islands to work for seven months over a summer. I'd never been there before. I had absolutely no idea what I was walking into. And yeah, it was an eye-opening experience, let's just say that. But it taught me a lot. I gained a lot of people skills. I also learned a lot about, it sounds a bit strange, but about things like alcohol. It gave me a really good, eye-opening experience firsthand with a lot of people that were drinking quite a lot! It set a really healthy relationship with me and alcohol from a very young age. I also moved away from my family in Norfolk at a very young age down to Devon and I've lived here ever since - I found my home here. For a lot of people they would find that quite difficult - to move away from everyone that they know and love. But I found a lot of happiness here, a lot of great community connections and ultimately my relationship with nature.

Q - Okay and what sort of relationship do you have with nature? What do you really like to do with nature? How has it helped you?

A- So for me coming back to our, like our ancestral being, I know that might sound a bit extreme and a bit woo woo, but you know, we are ultimately part of nature is we are nature, to put it bluntly. So, we've become incredibly disconnected from nature through using screens all day, every day to our comfort zone primarily being inside of our houses. So, when we finish work, we go home to our comfort zones and that's where we then spend our evenings. And we sort of connect with people, but it's usually virtually, you know, online. And yes, we've just really lost the connection one-to-one with mother nature. And that is as simple as being outside, going for a walk or going for a wild dip for me. It could be just sitting and being somewhere in nature, whether that be reading a book or really just, sitting and being with no distractions is the ultimate goal. But I know a lot of people might find that quite difficult. But it's through that, that quieter time really, that I've found a lot of answers within myself. And I think when we live day to day with all of those many distractions that I just listed, whether it be Netflix, our phone, dead scrolling, dating apps, you know, we, we very rarely give ourselves the opportunity to feel what's going on inside, have that stuff come up, do that work and therefore improve as a person and become happier as a person. Ultimately that links to dating in a way that we're only ever going to attract the level that we're at. So, if we are feeling gum about ourselves, not really doing much of our time, then that's what we're going to attract.

Q- So would you recommend somebody that's a little bit jaded by the online dating process (Cause we all know that it can be a bit grim), a bit disillusioned by it, would you recommend them, pressing pause & taking time out and just spending some time in nature and learning how to really fall in love with themselves again?

100%. And you know, nature was the answer for me. And I really do encourage everyone to have some sort of a relationship with Mother Nature. But I'm very lucky. I live in a beautiful part of the country, and the world, I know for some people, they live in cities, but it could be as simple as going to the park & looking for the birds in the trees. But even if nature isn't the answer for you, it could just be getting more creative, whether that is reading more books, painting, woodworking, just something that's not digital, not on a screen. Because, I think I certainly have experience of feeling very disillusioned with online dating. I've been on online dating on and off over the years in between relationships. When my last relationship ended, which is coming up to two years now, I went on for a very small amount of time and just very quickly realized that it didn't feel like the right place for me right now, because it felt like I was almost on the shelf, you know, waiting to be picked, waiting for someone to confirm that I was still attractive, still valuable. And I just realized that that can only come from me. So really taking the time to step away from those dating apps and basically pour all of that love and all that attention that I was looking for from other people into myself and give it to myself. So now I know what the standard is, right? I know the sort of love that I'm waiting for because it's the love that I'm giving for myself. And yes a huge part of that for me is nature, but that could be many things for many people, I think.

Q - I love that. That is the old fill in your cup first scenario a bit like on the airplane. They say put on your mask first before you help somebody else. You mentioned books. Are there any books that you've read over the last couple of years that really just spring to mind that were really useful and really empowering to read?

So many. am, I'm like in my friend group known as the, like the book girl. Whenever my friends see me, I'm like, you've got to read this one. You've got to read this one. I recently read a book called Dopamine Nation, which I highly recommend.  Something that stands out to me from the book is that we are cactus in a rainforest. And what that basically means is that we are surrounded by a total abundance of everything, abundance of entertainment, your Netflix, dead scrolling, all of that abundance of food, abundance of things like pornography, we just have access to copious amounts of everything. And that means that the way that we function and the way that our brains process dopamine is just fried really. We're just in an overload of receiving far too much stuff, which I think is why a lot of people feel like a bit joyous, joyless.

The author talks about some things you can do to like re-address basically your dopamine levels. I'm actually in the middle of a 30-day abstinence from both refined sugar and dead scrolling. It's going well!

Q - What about self-talk? Do you ever talk to yourself? Because I know we kind of talk to ourselves, don't we, in our head. Sometimes we talk in a positive fashion. Sometimes we can be a bit derogatory. Is that something that you've found in the past? Is that something you've addressed? And if so, how did you do that?

A- Oh yes. Oh yes. It is a big one. And if I'm, if I'm totally transparent, Janet, I was probably my biggest bully for many, many, years. It makes me quite emotional actually. Yeah. We are really horrible to ourselves actually. And I said things to myself that I would never say to another human, I would never even think of another human, but for some reason we have this, this ingrained voice within ourselves that is our absolute biggest bully. I have in the last 12 months made real headway in correcting that inner voice and catching it when it says something mean and sort of replacing that thought with something even just neutral. A lot of people think you have to go from negative to like uber positive, so let's say you had a bad thought about your body for example we think that we've got to go from God like I'm so disgusting to I’m so beautiful. But start with; my body serves me well, I'm healthy, I'm so grateful for what my body does for me. That's just neutrality. I've been really working on moving from that space to a more neutral stance and, yes, creeping into some really positive stuff now, which is great.

I really think if we could spend just five minutes in the minds of the people that love us most, we would really understand how magical and wonderful we are. We look at the people that are around us and we think how brilliant and magical they are and if we don't then we're surrounded by the wrong people to be totally blunt. Really try to look at yourself through the lens of the people that love you or how you would look at the ones that you love and be much, much kinder. And the change that you'll see is just like when you encourage a friend or you tell a friend that they're wonderful and you see that little light and that little glow happen in them, that you can give yourself that internally as well. And that's what I've really noticed. Like when I do something creative, for example, and I really love the outcome, I'm like, yeah, girl, like you're amazing at this. Look at what you've just created. And I get the same buzz as if someone else was telling me. So yeah, your brain is a funny thing, and you can really make it work for you.

Q- So, you're almost in effect giving yourself your own dopamine hit. You're not waiting for it to be externally provided, you're providing that dopamine hit, that positive reinforcement. I can't imagine you as being anybody other than the awesome person that you're showing us today. So, let's just rewind a bit and tell us a little bit about your past and a little bit about how you had to go on this journey to find yourself.

A- Well, divorced at ..... Oh God, I can't remember the actual age. I got married at around 21 and divorced within a year. So, we'll start from there, shall we? Because, yes, there's nothing quite like a very young divorce to kick your self-esteem in the arse. And what that meant was when I left that marriage, you know, for a number of reasons, my self-esteem was very low and then ended up in a relationship that turned very toxic. It was a very intense and toxic relationship. And by toxic, I mean there was a lot of negative happenings within that relationship that severely affected my mental wellbeing & my physical wellbeing. And I was in that relationship for four and a half years.

And whilst now I've sort of gone through therapy and I've processed that and I don't hold any animosity towards that person, when I came out of that relationship, I did not recognise myself at all. I'm talking severe depression, severe anxiety. There was a very long period of time where I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I would sit on the floor and just cry my eyes out a lot of the time, depending on the people that I loved on the phone or sometimes just not tell anyone where I was at. I'll be very honest; I had feelings at that time of my life of actually whether it was even worth being here. So, to go from that space to here, I'm not going to say is an easy job. We're talking out of that relationship now like six or seven years.

Sometimes I just want to hug old me really and whisper in her ear that it's all going to be fine.

And if you're on the path. Just, listen to your gut and follow. And most importantly, step into the unknown and do things that scare you, because that is where growth is found. I think we all know when we're in a relationship that's not right. And I think we can do a very good job of convincing ourselves that all is fine or this is what love is. But our gut isn't wrong. And when your gut feels uneasy in a relationship or unsafe, you should listen to it, I think would be my advice. Because yes, I probably could have saved myself quite a lot of stuff that I had to work through if I'd have left sooner in that relationship.

Q- Are there any other words of wisdom that you would want to share with people that are reading (watching) this thinking, my God, where do I start? How do I start to become this person that I want to be, whereas I'm this person now that I've got no confidence and I just don't know really where to start? What would be the first step you would say to someone to rebuilding that self-worth, that confidence to just get back out and do it, what would it be?

A - Well, I think the first thing to take stock of is that future you does not exist without current you. And what I mean by that is, I couldn't be sat here unless previous Louise had done the work required to get me here, right? So, every day that you decide to make a small change, to make a small effort, to catch one thought, to keep one promise to yourself, you are building blocks for the sort of person that you want to be. That can be a very loose plan, that does not in any way need to be specific. It's just who do I want to be today? How do I want to show up in the world today?

I think first of all, realising that you are, you & incredibly lovable. You are worthy just as you are. But if you want to change where you are, you do that from a place of love and not self-hatred. How you show up for yourself, because of love and not because you dislike yourself. And that was the sort of switch for me, acts of self-care like for me. Like doing a workout, going to the gym, going for a walk in nature, cooking myself a whole food dinner. Don’t do it because you hate the current you. Think I do those things because I'm showing myself that I love myself and I'm worthy of a home cooked meal. I'm worthy of looking after my body.  It's like a flick, you know, a flick of a switch in your head. You can't get future you without current you. So, start appreciating current you. And just be honest with yourself about where you're at. So, what are the habits that helping future me and what are the habits that are harming future me?