Why do I always pick the bad guys? (or girls it works both ways)

So why do we always pick the bad guys? I’ve heard the ladies say this to me quite often. Firstly, let’s address the word bad. Sure, some may be bad, but most are just so damn exciting! Or are they? Maybe they are just a classic avoidant type.

I was once asked by a good friend. “Why does the good guy always come last”? Let’s explore this…

Why are we drawn to the bad guys, what is this excitement? Okay, so it all goes down to attachment styles. There’s a great book on attachment styles called ‘Attached’. There are three basic attachment styles secure, anxious and avoidant. Most people happily chug along in the secure department. The bad guys nearly always are the avoidant type that’s why when you meet them, they seem so exciting they are really into you and they make it clear. They can’t see enough of you, texting all the time, flowers, chocolates, perfume, even more flowers just so much attention. What does this much attention bring you? It brings you great big fat dopamine hit! The same thing you get when you’re on social media and you put out a post and it goes viral. You get loads of likes and loads of comments. Dopamine hit!

Then all of a sudden, they don’t seem quite the same, you can’t put your finger on it…

Have you said something?

Have you done something? You’re not quite sure, but they definitely seem a bit off…definitely a bit quiet. They are not so quick to message back. Cooler? You’re trying to work out the puzzle…then all of a sudden, they’re back! Huge relief, big dopamine hit …phew!

The Dopamine Rollercoaster begins!

You’re now living life on the edge! This can be misconstrued for exciting. We think this is exciting. It’s not – what this has done has turned you from secure attachment type into an anxious type, you’re constantly checking your phone. Waiting for that message. You’re on edge wanting to please them every time you get that well received positive response from them. You get to that day when you don’t hear from them, now you’re anxious, you’re on a rollercoaster and we all know how exciting rollercoasters are which is why we do it (which is why there are theme parks).

This type of big dopamine is bad news – unless you get control of your dopamine and there are books and methods on doing this you will end up in a ‘situationship’ where you never quite know where you stand or understand why it’s happening.

Understanding that this type of relationship is not healthy is a start, and unless you start to choose different you will always get the same result. The famous saying “do what you’ve always done but expect a different outcome” is the definition of insanity.

If we always go for the same sort of guy, (girl) we will always be riding that same dam rollercoaster! And you’ll never find happiness long-term.

Here is the good news.

Choose different and take your time and you can find happiness.

How? so, here’s just a few quick tips – read the book ‘Attached’ to fully understand what happens, then you’ll start to spot those classic avoidance types immediately, they all have the same MO. They say ‘I love you’ very early on. They are so over the top charming, they’re typically text good morning every morning, good night and just send you a random kiss throughout the day and they’re like clockwork – until they’re not! And it’s this unpredictability that gives their game away! So, watch and wait. Take your time. Time will give you all answers. Give yourself time learn to spot them before they hook you. Then learn to choose more wisely and take time to get to know a person, you don’t need to fall in love straight away, that spark, the connection, that’s just lust!

Love will come when you get to know the person. So, you fall in love with the person they actually are, not who you think they are! Some takeaway advice from this blog is to take your time get to know the person and choose more wisely – look for the genuine nice person. The normal guy may not seem exciting, secure is often perceived as boring, but trust me ladies it’s not exciting it’s only anxious! Normal is underrated!